The absurdity of being unhinged over a cartoon
February 13, 2006
*Rolling Stone recently depicted Kanye West as Jesus Christ on the cover of its magazine. This constitutes an outrage and insult to all Christians everywhere, as it is blasphemous to portray a mere rap artist as the savior of the world. Following the example of Byzantine emperor Leo III‘s iconoclastic leadership, modern Christians (orthodox or otherwise) ought to meet this horrific heresy with an appropriate response. All Christians of the world need to rise up protest the atrocity Rolling Stone has perpetrated upon us by forcing Kanye West upon us as the one mediator between God and man. Protests alone will be insufficient to communicate to the world the gravity of the sinfulness of this image. I say we must riot in the streets, bring violence to our own countries in order to impress them with our disgust. We will burn effigies of Kanye, as well as threaten the life of David LaChapelle, the photographer who took money in exchange for this heinous portrayal of our prophet and savior. Additionally, we must hold the United States responsible for the guilt of Rolling Stone magazine as the country of the origin of publication. Unless we receive an apology from the United States government, US embassies must be burned in all countries. For those weak Christians who disagree with our zeal, we must brand them heretics and inflict the wrath of God upon them. Catholics and Orthodox who employ icons of the holy savior shall be decimated in God’s mercy. Missionaries must be sent to the remotest parts of the earth in order to carry news of the Rolling Stone of blasphemy to those who have not heard, and ask them to riot for our cause. Should all this fail, crusades and inquisition may be necessary in order to take back the new world and root out all who support the Kanye Christ picture.
(*For those who need a disclaimer, the preceding is satire.)